THE SADDEST TOYS IN THE WORLD

Here is compendium of photos I have taken of depressed, anxious or angry stuffed animals.

Found at a Hallmark Store, here's a Christmas turtle that seems to be suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder.

(If you don't adopt these Rescue Pets, are they put down with My First Intravenous Euthanasia Kit?)

This is the least carefree-looking unicorn I have ever seen.  And I have seen many a unicorn.

If you're looking for a murderously angry polar bear, FAO Schwartz is the place for you. 

The Mr. Bump doll has the distinction of being the only children’s toy that suffers from a traumatic head injury. 

This is a puppy dog doll. A puppy dog doll that was born with a disease whereby his skeleton is on the outside of his body.  Perhaps we should keep an eye on children who like playing with Skelanimals, the only stuffed animals with exoskeletons.

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OFF THE WALLPAPER

I took a look at a place on Sunset a few weekends ago. I suspect the owner might have resided there for a long, long time...

TEETH DO NOT FIT LIKE THEY USED TO

While looking into what my sore throat might be, I found another entertaining symptom on WebMD.

A BAD SIGN

A sign in the Men's Room at a restaurant in Santa Monica.

(if you think this is funny, maybe you'd love the t-shirts at TVsauce.com)

BAG O' BABY

Buy 'em by the bag!

GRAB A STICK OF FREEMARK ABBEY VIOGNIER 2007

I'm not a wine guy. But I had a cabernet at Wilshire recently that was worth trying to track down. I didn't find it, but a Google search directed me to a white wine from the same vintner. The "Winemakers Notes" of their 2007 Viognier were perhaps the oddest description of a wine I've ever read.

"This wine has an appealing light straw color. Aromas of Wrigley’s Juicy Fruit gum comes to mind immediately, in addition to ripe banana, grapefruit, lemon-lime, mandarin, pear, honeydew melon and white peach. There is a subtle hint of angel food cake adding to the complexity of this immensely fruity and floral wine; lively flavors of grapefruit and white peach compliment great balance. A wonderfully zesty finish leaves a fresh taste impression."

For those of you keeping score at home, the wine tastes like this.

HOME

Oh, what I wouldn't give to live here.

SCENTS AND SENSIBILITY

What exactly is an "Unscented Deodorant"?

THE KING OF BEARDS

Erin Dollar made me a beard.

Erin is a young woman from Portland who has a talent for sewing and a love of beards. She's got a blog called I Made You A Beard where she chronicles her obsession with facial fuzz, and she has a store at Etsy where she sells her delightful creations.

Using felt, thread and sometimes yarn, Erin sews beards of all types. From Santa to Lumberjack.

Best purchase I ever made.

SAN DIEGO ZOO 2

Head to Toe

Saddest turtle in the world (and that's saying something)

Man Carrying Gorilla

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I LIKE NIKE

I was ordering a pair of new Nikes the other day through NikeID — Nike's website that allows you to customize your sneakers. In addition to picking colors of your shoes and laces, Nike also allows you to "ID" your shoes with your name (as long as it's eight letters or less).

While experimenting with various eight-letter words, I discovered that Nike prohibits certain words from appearing on its sneakers.

Feel free to put the Republican nominee's name on your shoes...

...but if you try to put the Democrat's name on 'em, Nike says "No, you can't!"

Nike thinks GOD is good...

...but JESUS isn't just all right with them.

You can't put HITLER on your Air Jordans...

...but they're fine if you're just a regular ol' NAZI.

And they say "da" to STALIN.

Wanna advocate for MURDER? Nike says, kill it!

I think it would pair well with this SUICIDE sneaker.

If you're more into blue collar crime, lace up the Air PERJURY!

This is my favorite of all the words banned by NIKE.

GOING DUTCH

Foreclosed. Poor Danes — they survived the Second War of Schleswig but not the collapse of AIG.

SUMMARY JUDGMENT: PART 2

It's been awhile since we last looked at movie loglines as written by some bored employee over at TiVo. Here are a few new favorites.

Wait a minute — was that what the '60s series was about? Hippies and toxic waste?

Who can't relate?

I love this one not for the logline but for the title.

This movie is based on the book Marie Antoinette, not the person Marie Antoinette.

Do people really find "wet, juicy" butts appealing? Me, I prefer a dry butt.

I suppose they might have a unique viewpoint.

Another bizarre title. This job + "hole" porn title construct doesn't work with very many occupations, by the way. For example, "Lawyerholes" isn't very sexy.

UNSAFE

According to Sentry, this was one of their most Frequently Asked Questions. 
Which begs the question: if Sentry is frequently being asked why their safes 
open with a pen... that's... well, that's not a safe.

BACK AND TO THE LEFT

Yahoo News chose the perfect photo to accompany this article about left-handers.