Safeway (aka Vons) sells generic versions of sugary cereals. Each one has its own loony mascot. And each one is utterly terrifying. Witness:
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| Cinnamon Crunch is the generic version of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. The mascot of the name-brand cereal is a kindly old baker named Wendell. But Safeway has chosen a space alien to represent their cereal. Is there some connection between extra terrestrials and cinnamon that I don't know about? |
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Well, obviously Cocoa Nuggets is the generic of Cocoa Krispies. Now, if the cereal were banana flavored, the monkey mascot would make sense. And maybe I could get on board this mascot if he were a brown monkey. You know — brown like cocoa. But inexplicably, he's a green monkey!
(By the way, there are green monkeys. Known as Sabaeus monkeys, they spread the deadly Marburg Virus in the '60s.) |
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Okay, this one's on the nose. But hey — Apple Orbits makes more sense than Apple Jacks, right?
Are you noticing the pattern with these mascots? They all have scarily protracted tongues. And crazy eyes. |
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| Safeway's version of Froot Loops employs an amphibian instead of Toucan Sam. Well, at least the absurdly elongated tongue makes sense on a frog. |
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| It took me a while to figure out what Crackles was the generic for — it's Cap'n Crunch. Once you understand that, the Crackles mascot makes sense; as a sea creature, he's even more nautical than Horatio Magellan Crunch. But he's not just an octopus — he's a pirate octopus! (which I suppose makes the proposition of "walking the plank" far less treacherous) |
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| The rabbit mascot of Marshmallow Magic (literally the poor man's Lucky Charms) is the most unnerving. His tongue is thankfully not as tumescent, but I haven't seen such haunting eyes since the final frame of Roman Polanski's Repulsion. |
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