SNICKERS LOAF

Came across this giant-sized Snickers at a Walgreens. The package says "Slice n' Share." Apparently you're supposed to serve this candy bar as if it's a meatloaf.

ON SPRITZEN!

He sees you when you're sleeping. Also when you're peeing.

The Santa Toilet Seat Cover and Rug Set — available at Amazon.com for only $12.99.

BETTER LATE: PART 8

I got into the Late Show Top Ten Contest again. It's the eighth time I've made the list and the second consecutive time an entry of mine was picked for #1.

(I actually thought my entry of "iPad Thai" was funnier than the one they chose.)

Here's the original BETTER LATE post (updated a few times).

TOP TEN REJECTED TITLES FOR "Brokeback Mountain" (01/01/2006)
#4: "The Good, The Bad, and The Fabulous"

TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR NEW TV SHOWS (10/11/2008)
#7: Project Amway

TOP TEN PUNCHLINES TO DIRTY PIRATE JOKES (04/25/2009)
#1: "Yo, ho."

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR BROADWAY SHOW IS IN TROUBLE (12/25/2010)
#6: Music by Stephen Sondheim, Lyrics by Stephen Baldwin

TOP TEN NEWT GINGRICH PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN SLOGANS (06/28/2011)
#10: Isn't It Time For An Old, White President?

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE JOINED A BAD ONLINE SOCIAL NETWORK (07/05/2011)
#1: The Winklevoss Twins hardly ever sue it.

PALM SPRINGS AIR MUSEUM

Planes with folding wings are much easier to store in your hall closet next to the elliptical machine.

This ain't no Mickey Mouse bomber.

Um, you got any seats farther back in Coach?

The controls for 1940s war planes were easier to understand than my 2011 TiVo remote.

THE SADDEST TOYS IN THE WORLD (PART 2)

Wow — 20,000 hits. I never knew I had that many bitter stalker ex-girlfriends. Thanks to you all!

The numbers say that one of my most popular posts was THE SADDEST TOYS IN THE WORLD, so in honor of the big 2-0, here's another installment.

I think this blue bear is distressed about her botched lip collagen procedure.

If this duck had a voice, it would be Edward G. Robinson. "Quack, see?"

Why so scared, sunflower?
Is it because you're named after a medication-free child birthing technique?

SELF ESTEEM

You can't buy self esteem... except at DSW (Designer Shoe Warehouse) where it's on sale for $29.95.

NOW PLAYING

Float like a butterfly, rope like the wind.

TIVO MOVIE LOGLINES

Wow — that is not the Flipper I remember.

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times — the world of competitive marbles is fixed. By the cops.

Another eHarmony success story.

Should butts really be that wet?

Methinks a certain TiVo logline writer might have taken some Shakespeare classes in college.

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JUST DESSERTS

MasterChef was the first cooking show I'd ever worked on, and I learned a lot about the genre. For example, you're not supposed to eat all the Sterno.

The judges were restaurateur Joe Bastianich and renowned chefs Gordon Ramsay and Graham Elliot. What did these great culinary figures eat the most of during the filming? Sour Patch Kids. They ate bag after bag of them.

The set for the initial auditions.
The excellent set design featured scores of fake crates of produce.

The apples left over from the Apple Chop Challenge.

The MasterChef pantry was a sight to behold.
Every spice, every vegetable, every type of pasta.
After the show wraps, the crew is allowed to take home whatever they want.
By the end of the night, it looked like LA after a Laker win.

The choice for one challenge was French, British or Spanish Cuisine.
Contestants received recipe books for French and Spanish...
but we couldn't find one for English cooking.

God bless the dishwashing crew.

The Hungry Biker / Sausage Challenge

This is the fish Gordon guts in the show open.
It took an hour to film and only seconds of it were shown on screen...
but the stench was omnipresent.

The Block Party before the kids arrived

Graham entertains the crew

The only writing instruction Gordon gave me was
"Jonathan, keep the scripts short and sweet — like your cock!"

BETTER LATE: PART 7

Made the Late Show Top Ten Contest again. #1 this time. This is my seventh time on the list.

ASSAULT ON MY CHILDHOOD, THIS IS

Yoda pasties. Available on Etsy.

I AM LEGEND: DRIVING THE DESERTED 405

Here are a few shots of the empty 405 from the Sunset Blvd overpass.

Here's the 405 from the penthouse of the Hotel Angelino:

The shadow is the Hotel Angelino.

The freeway was opened up from Sunset going south, so here are some shots from the 405 itself:

It wasn't totally apparent that it was OK to get on the freeway at this point, so hardly anyone was on it. Though we did see one kid stop his car and get out. He touched the freeway with his hands, danced a jig and then quickly got back in his car and sped off.
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CARMAGEDDON EVE

Merry Carmageddon Eve!

At midnight I drove Sepulveda Blvd. north from Sunset Blvd. all the way past the Skirball Center. There was an unusually high number of cars on Sepulveda Blvd. at that hour, but we were all moving pretty briskly. It's the calm before the storm.

An ABC News van had staked out a place just past the tunnel.

Coming back home, I saw about two dozen police officers on motorcycles who were waiting around Mountain Gate.

I pulled over once I got back to Sunset and walked to the overpass where I took this photo:

That's the Hotel Angelino on the left and a completely empty 405 Freeway on the right. There was something both eerie and beautiful about it.

There were about a half dozen photographers there (most with professional equipment, but a few amateurs like me).

On my walk back to the car, I snapped this shot of the sign recommending motorists take the Ventura onramp (about seven miles away).

While I was taking the photo, a confused driver in a pickup truck pulled over to ask me "So... how do I get back to Sepulveda from here?"
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TREE PEOPLE: SEQUOIA NATIONAL PARK

The Keebler Elves may be on to something — 

this tree has more square footage than my apartment.

Roots

The majesty of Moro Rock (elevation: 6725 ft)
And the even more majestic me at the top (elevation: 6730.6 ft)

Yeah… if I see any bears, I'm gonna speed up, thank you very much.

The art of perfecting the camera timer

BETTER LATE: PART 6

Made the Late Show Top Ten Contest again. The category was Top Ten Newt Gingrich Presidential Campaign Slogans.

I actually thought I had a better entry: "I love America... but I'm not, like, married to it."

This is my sixth time on the list.

NIXON LIBRARY

Facing off against Armstrong.

At least nowadays they say "Please."

The Nixon Library "Dirty Tricks" kiosk has crashed.
Liddy strikes again!

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KIDS TODAY

This is an actual section at Barnes & Noble:

In my day, teens were interested in sucking things other than each other's blood.
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POKER? I HARDLY KNOW 'ER!

In 2005, I worked on three cycles of the shamelessly derivative poker show "Poker Royale." I was one of two writers who scripted all the "off-the-cuff" commentary for the play-by-play guys.

Mixed in with the poker pros were celebrities — some of whom had barely any idea how the game was played. One celeb went all-in on every hand in an obvious attempt to try to bust out so he could go back to his hotel room and sleep. (I was instructed to write commentary explaining why his all-in strategy was actually "secretly brilliant.")

Somewhere along the way, the decision was made to add informational "pop ups" to the show — brief facts about poker appearing at the bottom of the screen every 30 seconds or so. Things like "A pair of 2s are called Ducks" and "A King-Queen suited is known as Prom Night."

But eventually, the other writer and I ran out of these facts.

And that's when we came up with a swell idea: Let's make them up. I mean, it's not like there's an official Poker Bible with approved nicknames for these things.

So here are some of the fake facts that sprung from our heads:

"A player who won't shut up at the table is a 'canary.'"
This one seems the most believable.

"'Wishbone' — when you have an ace and catch two more on the flop."
Roland came up with this one. I like it because it makes absolutely no sense.

"A pair of Jacks is also called Leopold & Loeb."

This one's my favorite because getting this on the air meant that either
(a) no one was bothering to read the scripts or
(b) no one knew who child murderers Leopold and Loeb were.
Or both.

"In France, this show is called Poker Royale With Cheese."
Well, this one proves it.

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